grum lives here

Note: Once upon a time I used to run the blog cranialvomit.com – eventually like all my other blogs it fizzled and died.
Unlike my other blogs though, I managed to keep an archive of old posts. Throughout the next few weeks/months/years, I’ll
be reposting some of my old blog entries (occasionally edited) for those of you who haven’t witnessed the wonders that
was me, from faaaaaaaaaar in the past. Well, two to three years ago anyway.

This particular post was written back in the day when I ruled the world of Myspace. I used to think I was smart and funny
back in those days. I still do, but at least now I’m sure I am. Ahh, it sure was nice being that young and naive.

Earlier this week I got an eMail from a Myspacer with a very interesting question:

“If you had to provide a document listing ten guidelines to surviving the modern world, what would they be?”

Ten guidelines to surviving the modern world eh? I gave it 3 mins thought and came up with the following list:

1. Always wear two layers of underwear. This way, when you get laid at a stranger’s house you can conveniently leave one pair behind, giving the lovely lady the impression that you don’t soil yourself for the erotic pleasure of it all. But we all know you do.

2. Always try to step twice using your left leg when walking. The right leg is predominately the more powerful one, so throughout your life you will find yourself turning to the right more often. By gaining strength in the left, you will find yourself walking into situations which will surprise you and sometime arouse you.

3. Never under-use the word “moist”. Try to use it as often as possible – you’ll be amazed to see how it changes the whole dynamic.

Example:

Before: “Mum, your chocolate cake is really nice”.

Notice how boring and lifeless that sentence was?

After: “Mum, your chocolate cake is really nice and it makes me moist. It also reminds me the fact that once upon a time, I was inside you. Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

4. Never practice what you preach. We all say stuff what we don’t mean – lying will get you everywhere.

Examples of such pointless preachings:

“I love condoms! Whoever said having sex with a condom is like eating food without taste is completely wrong!”

or

“I would not even consider the concept of molesting a 4 year old!”

5. Abbreviations are the wave of the future. Time is money. Don’t waste it by saying words and sentences. JSWYFWMUA! DGNIKDG! SDFDSDFMILF!

6. Don’t be afraid to be completely racist. Bringing attention to one’s self is just one way to get far in society. It is simply another form of the peacock effect. Whilst you’re at it, Masturbate onto the pages of the Koran whilst in a mosque. That’ll get you lots of brownie points.

7. Feminism is a dying fad from the old hippie days. Help progress the modern society along by forcing women back into the kitchen. If she complains, give her some helpful encouragement with the back of your fist.

8. If you find a woman who can fit her fist into her mouth – marry her.

9. With advances in medicine, Herpes, Gonorrhoea , Syphilis and AIDS will be irradiated in under 10 years. Always keep that in mind when shopping around for prostitutes.

10. Be heard. Don’t hide away opinions in case you think it may offend.

Heck, I think I’ll do exactly that right now…

I FIND THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED INCREDIBLY HILARIOUS!

I hope that top 10 list helps you with your life’s journey.

G